Things Change...

People change.  Times change.  Everything changes and nothing ever stays the same.  That’s the one constant within life, that regardless of how we try to hold on to something..ultimately it changes.  I know this.  Deep inside of me I know this and believe it to be true but if that’s the case why do some things still bother me.  People move on and grow apart, this is truth.  It is baseline truth, a certainty, a given and yet it still seems to trouble me on some level.  

I was looking up quotes today, quotes by Marilyn Monroe and I have to say she’s a depressing sort of girl.  I mean we all know about her troubles and what not but some of the words that she said resound so deeply inside of me.  I get it, or at least I think I get it.  Or perhaps I understand it on a different level that’s more applicable to me.  

I’m sitting here at my desk just troubled.  Staring at this screen and the blinking cursor then glancing outside to the gloomy gray filled sky and I find myself blinking back tears.  Tears of what…I’m not sure.  Loss I suppose.  Remembrance…So many different reasons and yet if you were to ask me to list them for you I doubt I could.  Not that they aren’t there but instead I couldn’t find the words to correctly express what thoughts I’m currently having.  

People change.  Life changes….it is part of growing.  Part of growing up.  There isn’t much that I take for truth, for absolute undenying truth but change being inevitable is something I do believe without doubt.  Nothing, I repeat nothing, stays the same for very long.  Life is all about change.

“I believe that everything happens for a reason.  People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together”  ~Marilyn Monroe~

Phone Therapy *smirks*

So, I just got off the phone with Vera, my therapist.  It’s odd being in therapy over the phone.  Or maybe it’s odd being in therapy still.  I’ve been in and out of it for so much of my life I’m not sure I can imagine my life without being in it.  Perhaps it’s something that is healthy and something I need to keep doing but I wonder why.  What is the purpose for it?  I think I have a fairly good grasp on who I am, what I do and don’t believe.  True, I’m wishy washy in plenty of ways but there is still me at the core.  For the most part I think I know myself.

Perhaps it’s because of my schooling that I feel I know myself better.  Having to reflect upon one’s life for various reasons is something that forces you to come to reality or terms with certain things.  It’s like looking in the mirror for the first time and really, truly seeing yourself.  For exactly what you are.  What’s frightening is the fact that I can look at myself in the mirror and do know who I am…what I am..and it doesn’t terrify me.  Perhaps that alone shows I need therapy.  *laughs*  Knowing my demons, what I’m capable of and yet still being able to look at myself and not run away screaming in terror has to be a feat for anyone.  At least anyone with my mentality.  

I find it funny though, thinking about being in therapy.  I mean, now and days it seems like everyone is in some kind of therapy.  We all need an outlet for release of stress or thoughts or whatever.  An outlet that isn’t going to judge us and whose sole purpose is to be there to help guide us healthily.  Perhaps even when I’m a therapist myself I’m still going to need therapy *laughs*  What’s that saying?  The most twisted people in the world are therapists because they go into therapy hoping to get a better understand on themselves.  If that’s the case I should be one kick ass therapist once I’m done with all this.  *laughs*  Heaven knows, regardless of how much sole searching I do or studying and learning or therapy I’m always going to be this twisted person without a clue on why I am the way I am typically.  I mean I might have ideas but I’ll always be searching for answers for my own behaviors.  *smirks*  

Ah well, therapy….*makes a face*  Don’t wanna do it but I guess it’s one of those necessary evils for me that I have to do.  Besides, it’s healthy….right? 

-Untitled-

It’s like a drug

That taste of wicked

That touch upon the tip of your tongue,

That brands you, marked forever

Scorched and twisted it writhes for more

Torn away only to be pulled right back in

A moth to the flame

Knowing what will happen and yet,

Unable to stop the forward motion

That momentum that builds

Slowly, slowly…until faster and faster

An oncoming train that can’t be derailed

It’s misery,

Knowing oneself so well to know

That dark is where most thoughts dwell

That shadows is where I want to linger

Shrouded by darkness and peering out

Catching glimpses of things that hurt

That make me want to squeeze my eyes shut

Forbid my eyes from looking and seeing

What my mind already knows is there

Thought of the Day

So here’s a thought, or something I’ve been thinking about since I created this earlier.  How much do I really say and what will people assume to be truth or fiction?  I mean I could write all sorts of different twisted stuff, random things that pop into my head but could any of it be used against me?  Say, if a certain someone happened to come across this and knew who I was, could they use what is written in any way against me?  Or would it have to be proven that it’s truth and not me spouting shit?  *smirks*  It’s what I’ve been thinking about.

People write all sorts of things on their blogs.  Some people use it as a therapeutic outlet, others write fantasy or fiction stuff, others share their deepest and darkest thoughts, who knows what is true and what isn’t?  Would people reading automatically assume everything that is written is truth because it’s a blog?  Or would they have the common sense to understand and realize that anything read should be taken with a grain of salt?  

Like for instance, if I wrote out a detailed way on…oh I dunno..killing someone.  Dissecting someone slowly.  Would people think that I’m demented and twisted and those are my actual real life thoughts or would they assume that I’m writing something fiction in order to intrigue the readers?  Beyond that, anything written, does it hold any value anywhere?  Value to be used against you I mean?  

I suppose I’m wondering how much do I censor or how much do I allow my mind to travel as it will, down whatever road it wanders.  That’s the question of the day.

Introducing lil ol' me

So, I've decided to bite the bullet and create a blow.  I have no earthly idea what I'm going to write about but I figured, since I created it I might as well post my first blog posting.  This will probably just be a place I write random stuff, whatever enters this weird mind of mine will probably find it's way into a blog entry for whoever to read.  Chances are, it'll all just go into the black void that is cyber space but the goal is to be therapeutic right?  So, we shall see what I end up sharing on here.  For now let's just introduce myself.

My name, well we'll go with Rei for now.  I'm a separated mother of three children, who are my entire world.  Without them, who knows where I would be or even if I would be.  *smirks*  Sad, but true.  I'll probably talk about them plenty since my world revolves around them.  I'm also a full time student pursuing my MA in Psychology.  Yup, that's right folks.  This twisted mind is trying to understand herself and possibly help others in the process.  *laughs*  Granted, I think I just went into Psych because I want to know what makes people tick.  I tend to let my curiosity get the best of me..for better or worse. 

I'm an over all fun person to know.  A bit wild at times and a bit of a nut but hey, I can keep things interesting from time to time.  I'm huge on piercings and tattoos..hell body modifications period seems to be something that's up my alley.  I'm intrigued by the why behind everything.  I have a bit of a sadistic side, perhaps you'll come to see that later on.  Ah, there's so much I could say but I won't because I don't want everyone thinking I'm a freak right off the bat.  *laughs*  So instead I'll say...hmmm..*ponders*  We'll see where this blogging journey leads me.